Dear You,
I think it is easy to forget how things begin. We get caught up in ourselves, in our lives and in the rhythm of things. We forget to remember where we started. The pace of what is happening wears us down to the point where we feel like we have just been running ourselves into a rut for all of eternity.
Someone once told me of the solace of Sisyphus, a great king condemned by the Gods. How he must feel that his eternity is not a punishment but instead a happy existence, for he knows his purpose. Sisyphus knows his rock to bear and it is always in his sight. Sisyphus has but one task and one punishment and though it is perpetual and unending it is still far easier than the plight of our kind, the plight of the real world, for he knows his burden.
In turn, you would think that someone like myself would understand that I too have it easy like Sisyphus, for I know my burden. And though the path is not laid out so clearly as his, and though I may not be forced to do what I have done and will do, I know what I must do. I know where I must stand now. I can only hope that I can overcome who I was made to be. I can only believe that I am strong enough to let myself watch the rock fall and then be willing to push it up again.
If I can tell you anything, I will tell you that I know we are afraid too often of the consequences of our lives. We fear the impact of who we are at our cores. We are scared of what that will do to others. What we don’t realize is that our core nature is what makes this world, we are in, work. We spend our waking hours trying to hide from everyone when in reality we are just trying to avoid our burdens at the sacrifice of ourselves and the plight of eternity. What will happen if we reveal who we truly are? What will become of this world if we stop fighting and start pushing? What will happen if we accept our fate, our rocks, and climb our hills?
What would happen is that every burdened, beaten step would bring us closer to our purpose. To the end of our eternities and the beginning of others.
Do not be afraid.
Push.
Begin to make your gifts, your curses, and your stories known.
I hope you find these words years after my eternity has finished and you will see that I did everything I could. This is only the beginning of my story but it is my story. This is what I remember of how it began, everything that led me here.
After everything, I know that joy and sorrow are not the only measures of life. They are just the top and the bottom of the hill where I push my rock. Here’s to Sisyphus and here is to your eternity.
Sincerely,
Felicite Onni
CHAPTER ONE
CONSCIOUS DECISIONS AND COHERSION ARE NOT THE SAME THING.
What am I?
I think it is possible that I have asked myself this question a million times.
Why am I like this?
This too is hard to answer and a considerably more frequent question than the previous one.
What should I do? How do I overcome? When will I know the answers? What is meant by this?
Why, What, When, How? They all circulated on a regular basis when I let my mind be idle for too long. It’s hard not to think bleak thoughts when you have nothing engaging to do and no one to talk too.
I had watched all the movies I had in my possession and all the ones on pay per view, and there was nothing on TV. All the books that I had, neatly lined the shelf categorized by spine color making a rainbow down the wall, I had read them all. I turned on my laptop and while it woke up from its slumber I positioned myself on the couch for my nightly ritual.
I logged into the normal chat rooms all of them for people like me. Well, at least kind of like me.
My pseudo name darkestluck and black horse icon came up and I saw that there were very few people on, but at that moment as I searched through the vastness of cyber space an instant message came through. It was my friend Amy, but you can never be too sure, she could very well end up being a forty year old fat man living in his mom’s basement. As for now she is Amy. Even though we have never met she is my best friend, or at least the best friend I have ever had.
The message read “Hey Franky how are things?”
I replied “ Good the usual, take out and movies.”
There was a brief moment of no response, I knew that this was going to turn bad before the conversation even kicked off. After all, that was Amy’s style, decisive and to the point.
“Sooo….” Her response popped up onto the screen.
“Yes?” I asked after a few seconds I knew where this was heading. I thought maybe I could delay it for a minute. Give myself a fighting chance but nope. She’s never been one to postpone with pleasantries. That is why what she said next did not shock or surprise me at all.
“Did you think about what we talked about? Did you maybe attempt?”
Already I felt exhausted and we had been talking for a whole of two minutes. I really did not want to have to explain myself again so I just replied.
“No. I told you that I couldn’t even try. The ramifications would be too severe and I couldn’t live with that.”
She knew this would be my reaction because as soon as I entered my response hers appeared right after it. If anything, she knew me too well, and that was a problem.
“Ramifications? I understand your hesitation, but don’t you think I hate seeing people who no one else can? Don’t you think that I hate knowing from some guys great aunt Sue whether or not he is an honest man? I mean we all are haunted by our ramifications. You can’t let what you are, infringe upon, what you want and on your ability to live. You know?”
It took me a second. She was right, but she was also so very wrong. There was no way I could associate with other people. There was no way that I could inflict what I am on everyone else. And I finally told her so.
“Listen, it’s not like I can keep this to myself. It is not like I can control what I am or possibly ever fathom shutting it out like you can. I have no defenses, and better yet, people don’t have defenses against me. Do you know what happened the last time I went outside?”
Amy did not reply for several minutes, though the little dialogue balloon which indicated she was typing stayed on. Her response finally popped up on the screen.
“I just think that you could figure it out if you had practice. I mean, after all, you helped me get some control. Maybe you can do it for yourself?”
I took a second to get over the ebbing frustration. She did not get it and I knew her well enough to know she would never take no for an answer. So I thought of the nicest way that I could to get out of this.
“I was only able to help you because I did a lot of research. What you are can be explained by natural phenomenon. What I am, I have no reasons for, and until I can figure this out I can not thrust my misgivings on other people.”
She typed her response quickly and sporadically this time which added more anger to the effect.
“What I am is NOT A NATURAL PHENOMENON! And you know it! Yea you thought of the best and most logical solution. I understand that you think, this ability I have is all just a matter of heightened electric field sensory and manipulation. That it is all just a matter of evolution in quantum physics. And blah blah science jargon blah. But you know just as well as I do that you and I are one in the same and if I can learn so can you. Especially, so can you because you are the smartest person I know.”
That really sent me over the edge and I decided to end this before it got anymore intense.
“Listen, you don’t have to get mad at me. I know that you think I am this genius. I am not I am just a product of my environment. I have to go. I need to shower.”
“Yea and while you’re at it go and watch one of your stupid movies over again. BYE!”
And with that she logged off. Always the last word with Amy.
Amy is special in her own right even though she is extremely passionate. I think her zealous nature is a by product of her abilities. You see Amy is what many would refer to as psychic, though she is not clairvoyant in the least. I prefer to call her a medium because she can mediate between the dead and the living. She serves as a conduit in my opinion a portal for the dead to come through to this side.
In my research, on Amy’s behalf, I have come up with an interesting theory behind her abilities. It seems that Amy, and others like her, are able to detect subtleties in energy fluctuations. They are also able to read energy signatures, mainly signatures left by other people. I feel that her brain is more evolved in that she can distinguish clear connections between different energy fields and her brain takes displaced energy and reconfigures it without her knowing. Recently, she has been putting my theories to the test and attempting several experiments including magnetic interference and sound wave energy displacement. A few of my theories have worked so far to help her. She has recently been able to get a full nights sleep.
However, the closer we get to giving her control the more she wants me to try as well.
But she is wrong, we are different, we are vastly different. I do not think there is a word for what I am. It’s safe to say though that I may have received the better end of the bargain, but my price is making the rest of humanity suffer.
Basically, in a nut shell, I am a leech for luck.
You may snicker maybe even laugh but I am very lucky, extremely fortuitous, gratuitously prosperous. For as long as I can remember, good things have come to me. From wealth to good health. I have it all. What is wrong with that, right? Wrong. There is a price, a very heavy price. All those who come near me fail and suffer. If I find a twenty dollar bill on the street, the person who was nearest when it happened, will have their purse stolen or something similar. When I was in school all those who were in a class with me always did worse than me, even if I did horribly. Mind you these examples are mild. I almost got into a car accident once, when I got home I saw that right down the street from where it happened there was a ten car pile up. It happens every time I go outside. I cause the plight of others while nothing but good fortune comes my way. The best way I can explain it, is that I take people’s luck from them. I take their positive energy or good juju or whatever you choose to call it. I steal it without even knowing. I cause the deaths of others, the poverty, the pain. Every life I touch withers and falls. And those who get too close to me always end up dead or worse, wishing they were. That is why I can not leave this prison I have made for myself. That is why I stay locked up and locked away. I can not inflict what I am upon humanity. I refuse too.
Which leads back to Amy. I was stupid to befriend her. It was dangerous to her. Even if we never met eventually, I am sure, what I am will take toll on her life. She is a determined person like that. I met her about two years ago in the supernatural chat room I frequent. At the time I was lonely and looking for answers that science had not yet given me. And there was Amy just as alone. She was worn out, full of spite, and looking for control just like me. We became great friends immediately, both of us stubborn, both of us cursed. And I found that with time I could help her and I have. She has decided to take her gifts to the public and open a psychic grief counseling center where she, and others she has met, will help alleviate the burdens of guilt and unanswered questions. She will guide people to closure and give them the peace they need. She will have a productive life. And I will sit behind this computer screen and only ever look in.
The last time I went outside to socialize, I was sixteen. Brent Disarmo had asked me on a date. We went to the park, laid on the grass and watched the clouds. We talked for what seemed like brief moments in my memory, time escaped me and when I realized what I had done I jumped up from the turf. When I looked down at Brent, and where I had lain, I saw that there was a rough me shaped pattern etched into the grass. Where I had been the sod was dead and brown. Brent looked up at me with the familiar eyes of a confused teenage boy and said "Hey is the light weird or is it you? Your skin looks different." I was sure that it was. I told him I had to get home, that I had let time get away from me, I said something about my parents being angry. I jumped into my car and sped away. Later that night, I got a call from one of my friends telling me Brent was in ICU. Apparently, he had driven home after I had left, his car had over heated and caught on fire. He was burnt over sixty-five percent of his body. He would never be the cutest guy in class ever again. A year later he committed suicide because of the response of everyone he met to his burnt face. After Brent, I decided to save humanity from myself. That was over five years ago.
Amy knew about all of this of course. She knew about my parents and their deaths, about the countless misfortunes of those around me. She knew and yet she always begged me to try again. I just wondered sometimes if she truly understood what it means to know you are inadvertently responsible for all the unhappiness of those around you. She had reasoned that if her brain was able to interpret energy why couldn't mine act as a magnet for positively charged ions in the universe? She argued that since energy cannot be created or destroyed I was merely acting as a metal rod in a lightning storm, inadvertently, making whoever was too close receive the shock. But that just seemed so unlikely and too easy, but then again, as I walked into the study of my house I saw the countless books on magnetism, quantum physics and all the science journals that I had collected. Here in this room there was a treasure trove of material. All the pieces but I did not know what the puzzle was supposed to look like so I could not put it together.
I had reasoned with myself that Amy’s theory had to be impossible. After all, I could use electronics with ease. I had never once had a problem with electricity. The only things that were really affected by my condition were living. This seemed to include bacteria, viruses, and germs. I cannot remember ever being sick, though I blamed that on the possibility that good fortune includes good health.
A doctor by the name of James Servantes had offered to help me with this issue a few times, we had met online, he was a telepathic genetic specialist. I had helped him and he had offered to do the same. I had declined but even after explaining what would happen to him if we did meet he had offered to examine my blood. So I had tried to send him a tube. I shipped it in a vacuum sealed vile, wrapped in bubble wrap and secured in a well taped box. On the way to him there was a path of destruction from the shipping director at FedEx going suddenly bald. To the package handler losing his thumb. Finally leading to the delivery van, that it was in, crashing into an embankment. It had been storming the day before so the embankment was full of water, the package washed away. I still don’t know where the blood is. I can only hope it is never seen again. When the good doctor and I found out what had happened he stopped talking to me. I really do not blame him. However, he had done me a good service, I now know that this was not just about me, it is about all of me. I can never part with what I am.
I sat down in my office chair, flipped the lamp switch and turned on my MP3 player simultaneously. And I leaned back and listened to Primitive Radio Gods slither through the speakers. I sang along when it came to my favorite part
“Am I alive or thoughts that drift away? Does summer come for everyone? Can humans do as prophets say? And if I die before I learn to speak, can money pay for all the days I lived awake but half asleep?”
As the appropriateness of the lyrics sank in I just sat there and let the song finish, thinking about what my life has been so far and then I cried. It took me a total of sixty seconds to get a grip on myself. After all, I had a choice and I had made it. I could not make my dreams more important than the lives of everyone I ever came around. My humanity had to be my resolve.
I decided to take a shower after all. Well, at least I would be happy I had not lied to Amy. I hopped in and after a few minutes of the hot water surrounding me I felt better. I probably was in the shower for a good hour. And when I got out the room was filled with steam. I wiped the mirror clean and looked into my own steely blue eyes, they are harsh even when I am happy. There is a furrow in my brow and I tend to scowl when I am thinking, which when I was younger, made people think that I was angry or frustrated. The bathroom lights made me look pale, very pale, after all I never go outside, at least when it is daylight. I will admit that on a few quiet nights I have left this house but only for a short period of time. My black brown hair spilled down my back. I tried to cut it myself every once in a while but I could not manage more than a u shaped type of long cut. So I left it as it was. Overall, I would say that I was a jumble of features. Gray eyes, dark hair, alabaster skin none of it meant to fit together but somehow it did. Maybe that was a sign. Normal people would not look like me, normal people are not like me. These thoughts made me sad all over again. I stomped to my room and started getting dressed. I would say that my style, according to the magazines, is very “indie” which suits me I suppose after all I am a fan of indie music, mainly progressive. I looked down at my green Circa Survive t-shirt and jeans, my black vans, my Chevy seatbelt belt and decided I was comfortable with it. I started to head down the stairs and as I did I heard a knock at the door.
First thing I thought was Strange second thing I thought was Shit I have to answer that. If there is a person on the other end what will happen to them? I went to the door and looked through the peep hole. On the other side stood a twenty something girl with dyed blonde hair. She was dressed in a yellow cardigan with a paisley shirt underneath, khakis, and yellow loafers. She had a yellow head band and was holding a yellow purse. She looked like preppy trouble. She looked into the peephole as if she was looking through to the other side. I knew she couldn’t see me but then she put her hand on the door and closed her eyes. She suddenly opened them then said.
“I know you are there Franky. Open the door, it is Amy.”
How did she find out where I live? I had never given her my address. I don’t remember telling her we live in the same town! I am not that stupid.
At this point I had to make a choice. Either I could stand there not make any noise and wait till she went away or I could open the door. I stood contemplative for a minute. And then Amy spoke again.
“Franky I am not leaving till you let me in. I am being serious. I will stand out here forever, you know I will too.”
Dammit. I did know she would but I had to be rational she was already putting herself in danger.
“I know you can’t wait forever Amy. You are human after all. Now get off my doorstep. You don’t know what you are doing.”
Amy starred right into the peephole again. She gave it a stern look. It was like she was looking me right in the face and telling me I was a bad kid. I had not seen that look in years. It made me furious. I was doing her a favor after all.
“Listen Amy you are going to regret this. I am telling you right now, so go away. Okay? Go back to your life and forget about this absurd notion of saving me from myself.”
She replied very calmly with a authoritative voice “Franky I am going to go wait in my car you better be in the passengers seat in fifteen minutes or else I will not tell you what Brent has to say to you.”
What? Maybe she was lying.
“I am not lying Franky, fifteen minutes make sure you grab your wallet you will be paying for dinner.” I saw her, through the peephole, turn on one heel and jot out of site.
Dammit. This was a pickle. Fine. Have it your way.
I went and grabbed my satchel and keys and walked back to the door. I reached for the door knob and took a very deep breath. As I opened it I put on my jacket and walked outside. It was not hard to see Amy’s car even in the darkness of night in my long tree shaded driveway. She was driving a bright yellow mustang. She must really like yellow. As that thought registered I realized that I had never asked Amy what her favorite color was. Strange.
I dragged my feet towards the car taking my time. I was going to delay this as long as I could. Then the tinted passenger side window rolled down and Amy leaned over and yelled out the window.
“You only have fifteen minutes, I am not kidding so you may want to pick up your feet.”
Fine Mom. I gave a look and then walked at normal speed. I reached the passenger side door and opened it. I looked down into the car, which was spotless. I was learning new things about Amy every second, apparently she was a clean freak or very proud of her car. I reasoned both were probably true. I swung my leg in and plopped into the leather seat and shut the door in one fluid motion.
She turned towards me and peered at me. She smirked.
“I thought this was going to be hard and then I saw that guy with you.”
“How’d you know it was Brent?” I asked.
“His face was burnt.”
She must have seen my face because she suddenly locked the doors.
“No you don’t. I have something very important to talk to you about now. This guy is a chatter box and I am sure he isn’t going to leave me alone until I tell you what he wants me too.”
I crossed my arms across my chest and slumped into the seat. I must have looked like I was five because Amy started chuckling as she turned around in the driveway to leave.
She pulled onto the street by my house and headed towards the freeway. She turned just a street before. The silence must have been killing her but she looked really pleased with herself. I hate smugness.
“I know you are not happy but I know a place that is never crowded. We can talk and you won’t hurt anyone.”
“Yea, except you.” I mumbled.
She just smiled at the windshield.